It happens to be 25 December 2015 – Merry Christmas to you if you are reading this!
It’s 1.47am, and I’m jetlagged, so what better way to use this time to blog?
Logically speaking I should first be blogging about my Spain/Portugal/Andorra adventures, but I haven’t had the mood to edit my video/chug out long paragraphs – this might be because of the pukefest I am having + the terrible regret that I have, and I am not obliged to post it at all (I will), so I’ll take my time with this because I have plenty coming right up… Yes?
I wonder what brings you by here today, but thank you for coming.
It only just struck me that 2015 is coming to a close (being on holiday switches off your entire brain, I swear) and even though I’ve been so fixated on noting everything (well, almost) down, it’s slightly terrifying to have an idea how little remains in my brain, if not for social media.
I haven’t written a reflective post for a long while now, because these posts are boring and embarrassing when I look back on them, and I don’t know what brings me here today. I’m not a brilliant writer at all, and my vocabulary is very limited (could be because the genre of books I adore are pretty much trashy rom-coms and not deep philosophical literature) but I’m just going to try and voice some thoughts I have. Some.
2015 really flew by for me, surprisingly, because people always say that the A Level Journey will be nothing short of torturous or painful – I guess it was, at that point, but now when you look back, it’s like, “wait, it’s over?!” And this will apply to so many more events in the future. Everything is fleeting… which sucks.
I would say 2015 was nothing spectacular or mind-blowing, but something special for me – uniquely 2015 – was facing rejections. My life has been generally smooth-sailing throughout from kindergarten to NY days and I guess it’s really time to LEARN how to deal with failure. I’m trying to figure my way around things, and even though I will absolutely hate to tackle rejections, I do need some of ‘em to grow. I won’t delve into details, maybe it’s a story for another day.
In the Human Relations department (yes I’ve used this phrase before), not all went well either, with some people choosing to leave, voluntary or involuntary. I learnt that people you meet in fixed settings (i.e. school) are never meant to stay, unless both parties make the effort to nurture the relationship. I think it was idealistic of me to think otherwise, but it’s not about how big your social circle is, but how tight it is. I am ashamed to admit I’ve been half-superficial about some of these relationships – they can’t be cropped into an Instagram post or a display picture. It’s really the inside that counts, and I really, really, really want to establish deep meaningful relationships, rather than shallow frivolous ones.
I’ve also faced the situation of seeing/hearing others talk bad about people I care about, and it is some tiring bullcrap. I’m the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, and this probably applies to many. When I argue with someone who falls out of my 3-people comfort zone, I tell you, the heart palpitation is real. It just scares me to be potentially putting a relationship in jeopardy, even for a minute, and I guess I’m just too afraid to voice it all. It’s either all or nothing. The next time before you talk bad about others, in private or not, think about how they’d feel and how their loved ones will feel. If you’re unhappy, tell them face-to-face, and not behind their backs where they obviously cannot understand what’s happening. It is awful how people can change so quickly behind closed doors – do you know what I’m saying? It’s like a freaking drama series. I guess only time will tell. Ugh.
This year, I’ve had the honour of knowing more people beneath the surface, and I find it very exciting to understand someone better, and it’s amazing to see individuals more than just a face. In my brain, every person has a still frame. Kind of like a video thumbnail. It’s quite cute. And I love it when the database gets larger and larger (more and more shared memories!!) – but of course there’ll always be tradeoffs in the equation.
I feel like I’m spouting drunk words at 2+ a.m. in the morning.
Should I go to bed?
I sense a sore throat that’s arriving (again) at my doorstep, all wrapped up neatly in an oesophagus tube.
But anyway, aimless rants aside, I’m glad how 2015 turned out.
I’m not quite done with this post, but I think I’ll have to start wishing some of these precious ones a merry christmas.
This year I was determined to wish as many people as I possibly can, but things happened a few days ago and now I feel completely lifeless.
But I’ll try my best. I hope you receive a text from me and you’ll reply it pronto.
Good night for now!
Mum just came out to hug me and now I feel happier and readier to sleep.
I love you so much Mama, I’ll always be here for you. You know it.
Thank you 2015 for being a great, great year that I’ll never forget – and I also hate it that FBN will be enlisting soon.
Grr. 10 days left.
Also I will be morphing this space into a more personal one after I’m done sharing my recent trip. Sometimes the number of viewers really get to your head!! And most of them are always silent viewers so I completely don’t know who you are. And you probably will not tell me either, but as much as you are fleeting, I appreciate it. You reading my blog.
I’ll be back.
Hopefully soon enough before the year ends and when the writing feels hit me again.
It left me abruptly. But I’ll still publish this.
Because we’re all works in progress.